#i have to keep my arms at a fucking 60 degree angle

[mayasapphire]

MY SKIN

AAAAAUAUUUUUUAUUAUUGGGGHHHHH

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT??

WHY IS IT LIKE THIS??

pain.

AAAAAAAAAAA

[giulliadella]

OK, so I am definitely insane, but I ABSOLUTELY needed to find out how much approximately would Bill Cipher weigh. It's 2AM and I finished my calculations, so here we go.

First of all, I had to assume what his exoskeleton is made of and I think it's silica (or quartz, SiO2). I think this for 2 reasons:

Bill turns to stone when he dies, so that means that his physical form had to be made of stone at least partially and

He likes to eat glass and glass is made of SiO2, so I think he needs to do that to keep his exoskeleton/shell healthy, like snails eat calcium.

So, then I went to see how much animals with SiO2 skeleton weigh. Those animals are glass sponges from class Hexactinellida, the largest of which contain up to 50kg of silica. These sponges are cylindrical with large opening on top, so I took the dimensions of the largest sponges (1.4m wide and 2m tall) and calculated their surface area which was 23.73 square meters.

Then, I calculated Bill's surface area. Bill is an equilateral triangle (because Axolotl said that all his angles are 60 degrees), but he also has some depth, so he's actually a very thin pyramid. From the comic it looks to me that his sides measure about 30cm (0.3m) and for the sake of easier calculations, let's say that he's 1cm (0.01m) thick. After a lot of calculations, I came to the conclusion that his surface area is 0.165 square meters.

So, if a sponge of surface area 23.73 square meters has 50kg of silica, Bill with his 0.165 would have 0.35kg of silica.

But that's just silica. Bill also has muscles and other components. I don't think that he has bones, so I'm going to calculate his volume (that's 0.0026 cubic meters of triangle + a little bit that make his arms, legs and hat, which is also a part of him) and fill it with muscle tissue. Muscle density is 1.06kg/1 cubic meter, so Bill's 0.0026 cubic meters would have 0.0028kg of muscle.

So in total, Bill would weigh 0.35kg +0.0028kg= 0.3528kg, so a little bit over 350 grams. In Burgerland measures that's 0.77 pounds.

Now that's if his exoskeleton is JUST silica. If it has more, like sponges do, than it could weigh up to 4.17kg! (because the whole sponge weighs 600kg).

In conclusion, Bill could be as light as 350 grams (0.77lbs) or as heavy as 4.5kg (10lbs) if we calculate just muscle. I am not adding fat or any other tissue because HOW THE FUCK CAN ANYBODY EXPLAIN FAT DISTRIBUTION OF A TRIANGLE!?

And this, dear people, is what I'm using my biology degree for. pls kill me

Weekly Test

(casual)

[colossal-fallout]

[ Classified ]

The full report - Eren Yeager

The following report details all information on Eren Yeager. Contains NSFW content and reader must be over the age of 18 to view this document.

For your eyes only.

Name: Eren Yeager

Birthplace: Shiganshina

Height: 180cm / 5ft 9"

General

[ A1 ]

Appearance & Hygiene practices:

Eren's chestnut brown hair is always clean and fresh. Whenever he pays you a late night visit, he'll have most probably just gotten out of the shower. Coconut scented shampoo of sorts? Whatever it is, it smells so good.

Prefers showers over a bathe. He says it's to save time, but he spends a good 40 - 60 minutes in there, easily.

Once he's dry, likes to throw on jogger bottoms and a hoodie over his bare skin. His bare skin that is now so soft and scented as his favourite shower gel which is either tea-tree oil or Coconut.

If he wants to remain clean shaven, Eren must shave every 2-3 days. Sometimes he likes to grow it out but nothing ever past a long stubble.

Minimal body hair.

Trims the hairs on his pubic bone/lower stomach. Has pleasuring you in mind as he does so. Will take into consideration the friction against you.

Totally clean shaven testicles.

Eren's nails are short but that's because he bites them. [ see section A3 ]

Beautiful set of teeth. Brushes twice daily in a modern AU.

Eren adores it when you brush his hair for him. He finds it extremely relaxing as you massage his scalp. His eyes will close and a small, barely audible hum will emit from time to time.

Eren's skin care routine is pretty basic. All of the steam from sitting in his hot, frequent showers for so long seems to do him wonders - his skin is flawless and worthy of envy.

Due to the healing power of being a Titan shifter, Eren has no scars.

Eren has quite large hands with long fingers. He doesn't wear rings or jewellery as it reminds him of the burden of when he had to keep that damn key on him at all times. Will however, put up with a wedding ring.

[A2]

Body & Love language:

Eren is a pretty introverted person. His hands are usually tucked away inside of his pockets - be it either trousers or hoody/jacket.

He hunches a little too. Likes to feel hidden. He's had enough attention over the years and wants nothing more than to just shrink away in a crowded room. Or maybe, it's the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Brooding, moody exterior. Extreme "resting bitch face"

Shrugs a lot. At first glance, you'd think he was a moody teenager trapped in a grown man's body.

Likes to sit with his feet flat up on the chair with his knees splayed - you'll usually find him like this with an arm resting over a knee while the other is at a 90 degree angle pointing away from his hip.

Fumbles his hands together in formal occasions when he can't sit so casually or tuck them away.

Likes to drape his arm over you without touching you. His arm will rest above you on the top of the chair. A clear indication of "They're mine" and "I will keep you safe"

His hips will usually be swivelled in your direction, regardless of where you are in the room. A subconscious body language of sexual yearning.

Eren likes to hold hands with you when you're walking. He's not huge on PDA but likes the strong yet subtle showings that you're together.

Tends to rub his thumb over the back of your hand absent-mindedly when you do so.

His love languages include physical touch. Can get very needy and touch starved pretty easily. Not in a overbearing way, but even just a run of his slender fingers through your hair is enough to keep him going until the two of you are in a more private setting.

[A3]

Bad Habits & Tendencies:

As mentioned above, Eren bites his finger nails. His toe nails too. It's pretty gross to be honest.

He never does it in public, but he has been known to do it in front of you when he feels comfortable enough to do so.

Get's very fidgety when irritated or annoyed, which is pretty often. Especially if Jean is around.

Short temper. He's learned to tame it more over the years where he doesn't show it so easily. But everyone has their limit and when his is reached, his yell is booming and pretty intimidating.

During an argument with you he has been known to raise his voice, but it's not the frightening roar you've heard him unleash on others before.

Always apologises to you after he's calmed down. Even though it wasn't that bad.

If you two ever have a bad falling out, will lock himself away for days. He'll be pissed at himself for letting it get so bad and depressed that you two are having such problems. But he'll do anything he can to fix it.

[ A4 ]

Common misconceptions:

Obviously everyone has their own cannons and opinions. But I don't personally see Eren as being an abusive partner. Yeah, he has his problems and treats his friends like shit but there's a reason for that we'll probably see in the last chapter. If you're worthy enough to pierce that cold and distant shell, you're a very special person and he'll treat you as such.

Eren actually has a large heart hidden under that huge chip on his shoulder. He cares and loves the people around him unconditionally. Even to the point of carrying out mass genocide to protect them.

Still... He does have a dark side to be weary of at times.

Even though he's gross while in Liberio, usually Eren is actually pretty clean.

[ A5 ]

Food & Drink:

In a Modern AU Eren loves fancy coffees with the weird names. The longer to pronounce, the better. He just likes the fact they give him energy and the fancier ones taste good.

Due to not having meat for so long, a good ol' fashioned beef/lamb stew is his favourite.

Doesn't drink in canon.

Modern AU, his alcoholic beverage of choice is bottles of beer and craft ales. Sometimes is a sucker for red wine.

[ A6 ]

Modern Au:

Eren wears loose clothing. Hoodies, loose jeans, those baggy cardigans too.

His texting style is spam over one long message. Especially if he's pissed off. He's too impatient to sit and type in paragraphs.

Drives a black car. Don't ask me what type, I don't know cars. But it's black, 'kay?

It also has "black ice" air freshener inside.

Likes to ride quads and mopeds along fields. He's a thrill seeker. Rollercoasters, bungee jumping... you name it he's game.

Eren plays the guitar. He took lessons for it but after about a year he just went his own way and self-taught.

If he sees a guitar at a party, he will pick it up and play it. He won't sing though.

He actually hates singing. He finds it embarrassing.

Always has in his air pods/earphones.

Likes any sort of music that is catchy.

Probably streams on Twitch. He won't talk much though.

Could have a wide range of jobs. Coffee shop, could be in college, might be a ride attendant... who knows? It's anyone's guess what Eren is doing. He doesn't talk about himself that much.

Romance & NSFW

[ B1 ]

Crush:

Eren would definitely be in denial he has a crush on you at first.

• “Does y/n seem different to you?”

Armin; “No…? In what way?”

“I dunno… Just, different.��

• His poor stubborn brain would be ticking for weeks as to why he suddenly wants to be near you a lot more often and has urges to touch you, even if it’s just a slight brush against your arm.

• Will find any excuse to do extra training with you

• Once he FINALLY clicks on as to why he’s had these feelings, he’ll be pretty knocked off his feet and a little annoyed at himself.

I’m here to kill the enemy...

• Still though… Can’t seem to keep himself away.

[ B2 ]

First kiss & general kisses:

After the initial denial and keeping himself away, he'll just decide one day he's had enough of feeling this way and decides to to something about it.

He won't shove himself onto you. He'll do some sly probing to see if there is any indication of reciprocation.

Knowing Eren, he'll indirectly piss you off or insult you. He didn't mean to. He's just lacking social skills. Man aint smooth.

You'll slap him, probably, where he'll keep his head away from you for a few seconds, realising he's pushed you too far. Whichever side you palmed him away, he'll stay.

He'll slowly return his gaze to yours before gently holding your arms, apologising and planting his lips onto yours.

His general kisses are quite firm and forceful. Not in an aggressive way, but a "god I want you so bad" way.

Always either slides his arms around your waist or cups your face/head.

He tastes like sweetened tea <3 / Coffee in a Modern AU

Loves coming from behind and snaking his arms around you, nuzzling into your neck when you're doing something. Doesn't like it when your attention is away from him for too long.

When he's feeling soft and tender, will dance his nose with yours and catching your mouth in a caress.

When he's super turned on, he'll suck your tongue, bite your bottom lip and kiss anywhere he can.

[ B3 ]

Sex:

Ha ~~!

Eren is up there with the best when it comes to sex. He knows what he's doing and he does it well.

Extremely skilled with his fingers and tongue. He'll have you crawling the walls with hysteria as he likes to tease you throughout the day. He more than makes up for it, though.

Gropes, nips, kisses, licks, bites, flicks... anywhere and everywhere he can.

Is the most vocal when you perform oral sex on him. Will groan so deeply, his entire body will vibrate.

Dirty talk is this man's second language.

"Look how desperate you are for me." / "Look how desperate for you you've gotten me..."

"Do I feel good like this?"

"Am I making you feel good baby?"

"You're so good at that. Fuck, such a good girl/boy"

"S'so fuckin' tight."

"You're my little fuck thing, aren't you?"

"You're perfect."

"I love you..."

Are some of the many things you'll hear while he's fucking you.

He doesn't really have a favourite position. He'll gladly take you anyway he can. If he's in a rough mood, he'll bend you over the sofa, take you up against the wall... But if he's feeling more soft he'll make slow, passionate love to you for hours.

He does have a strong soft side at times.

Dominic Dominant. He loves seeing you totally at his mercy, the power over you the most arousing thing in the world to him.

Big daddy dilf vibes. He knows what he’s doing and he’s fucking good at it too.

The only time he’ll sub is if he wants to be lazy - letting you ride him and use him to your heart’s content.

Dirty talk. It can get pretty degrading at times. If you’re not into that, he respects that boundary.

Will absolutely ruin you.

Low-key loves it when you claw his back in hysteria. He thrives knowing he can send you absolutely insane, and he can just heal the claw marks in a matter of seconds. Sometimes even during sex (which is the hottest thing ever)

In an AU modern, he would love to fuck you near a large mirror or record you both getting at it to watch at a later date.

A lot of hissing, humming and low groaning, especially when he’s close to unloading.

Likes to watch you masturbate, putting his head close and observing intently. Loses his shit if you moan his name while doing so.

Hair pulling is his overload language. Will tug fistfuls when he gets too turned on.

[ B4 ]

Kinks:

The risk of getting caught. He likes having risky sex in semi public locations. Makes a game of how loud he can get you to moan, knowing someone would probably hear you.

Light Degradation. When he’s in a rough mood, he doesn’t mind calling you a few names. Nothing too extreme. And if it’s not your thing, he’ll respect that boundary.

Loves a good ol’ 69. Having you on his face with your ass in view is just… *Chef’s kiss*

Speaking of ass, he loves to bend you over too, allowing himself in nice and deep with a great view and something Juicy to grab.

[ B5 ]

Aftercare:

Aftercare with Eren isn’t anything special unfortunately. He’s another who gets sleepy after sex.

Won’t ignore you though. Often lazy pillow talk is on the cards and telling you how much you mean to him and how beautiful you are.

Will run his fingers across your scalp to soothe you.

Also will kiss any bite marks or finger bruises he’s left behind and ask if you’re okay.

Relationship with loved ones & becoming serious

[ C1 ]

Friends & Family:

When Eren meet's your friends family he will be polite yet quiet. He wants them to like him but he won't pine for their approval. If they like him, awesome. If they don't...? No big deal.

Same goes with your friends. He'll stay quiet until spoken to at first, but once he's been eased into conversation, he'll flow with it a lot easier.

Again, he'll be polite but don't expect him to kiss ass, because he certainly wont.

[ C2 ]

Marriage:

You couldn’t actually believe Eren had proposed. Although he was down on one knee in front of your very eyes, your mind just wasn’t accepting it. Folks and onlookers watched with bated breath, awaiting your answer. He sure kept this surprise hidden well…

Of course, you said yes and he picked you up by your waist in a spin, colliding his lips to yours.

And now here he was, watching you walk down the aisle, a lump in his throat and his heart racing.

You looked gorgeous, like something from a fairy tale.

And of course, he looked as handsome as ever. His suit was smart and his hair was up in its usual bun.

Armin is his best man, of course; who is standing and beaming with pride.

Eren holds back his chokes and tears as he reads his vows;

“Y/N… From the first time I ever laid eyes on you, all those years ago, I knew you would be in my life forever. Back then, I didn’t think it would be as my wife, but God I am so glad it is. I’m sorry for my stubbornness and irrational behaviour when we were young. But despite that you still loved, and stood by me and for that I’ll be eternally grateful. I vow to always stand beside you, whatever the world throws at us. I vow to hold you when you need support. I vow to remember how you always had my back no matter what. And I vow to always love you, with my heart and soul, until the day I die and after.”

The room erupts in cheers and tears when you seal your kiss.

The reception is wild.

Everyone is drunk (except Levi) and dancing. Reiner and Connie are dancing like weirdos, Reiner's blazer removed and at one point Connie is on his shoulders.

Sasha has too much to drink and is spewing in the bathroom.

Mikasa can’t stop crying with happiness and pride.

He carries you to your room afterwards where you spend all night sealing a special bond that will never be broken.

[ C3 ]

Children:

Eren has a soft spot for children, believe it or not. As seen before the expedition to the forest of giant trees. He sees his old self behind the innocent glint of unaltered admiration within a child's eyes.

He's not super into child play though. He wont pull weird voices or funny faces. He'll sit at their level and speak to them like they were anyone else. Obviously, watching what he says around them.

If they're unchecked and acting themselves, he'll become quickly annoyed as they wreck havoc around him and will have to leave the room or he'll get too agitated.

If his s/o discovers they're pregnant he'll seem to take it well. But inside he's falling apart and freaking out. He won't ever show it to them, but he doesn't know how he could be a father. Would he be like his own? Would he be able to be a good figure to look up to? What if he fails? Is it selfish to bring a child into this cruel world?

He'll be shocked but understandably so. After after a couple of weeks of self-reflection and brooding, he'll start to feel better about the whole thing.

More protective over his s/o than usual. Will make sure they're eating, drinking, resting and god help you if he finds you doing something you shouldn't such as trying to lift something heavy.

Will hold your hair and rub you back, as well as bring you water while you're having your morning sickness.

"Babe? It's four in the afternoon. How come you're still sick?"

"Eren, it's called morning sickness but it can happen any time."

He'll click his tongue. "....That's a dumb name, then."

The first time he feels the baby kick within you, his heart absolutely melts. His eyes enlarge and you could swear you saw them soften with that spark behind his emerald greens he had when you were younger.

His large palm is warm against your stomach as he feels around, the little flutter of your child hitting against his skin making him flinch in surprise at first.

"Woah..." He'll gasp in amazement. "They're already so strong. Hey, y/n? Doesn't that hurt?"

"Sometimes." You'll laugh softly.

He'll gingerly place his face to your skin, a little embarrassed he's doing this; but he feels the need. "...Don't hurt your mom, okay?"

As your pregnancy progresses and you get larger, he will not leave your side. If he has to, he'll be worrying and you'll be occupying his mind. In a modern au, he'll constantly call and text and will get Mikasa or Armin to check in on you often.

Will be so gentle during love making. He's terrified he'll hurt the baby.

One of the only times you've seen Eren panic in his adult life is when your waters break.

You'd gotten up in the middle of the night to pee. Climbed back into bed and felt a strange pressure, followed by a pop. Then a warm gushing sensation. You wait a few seconds to settle your own panic before you nudge Eren awake.

"Eren..."

He'll bolt up, confused. "What? Are you okay? Is the baby okay?"

"Eren, my waters have broken."

"Shit. Okay. Shit. What do we do? Shit." He'll leap out of bed and throw the lights on. You get to your feet where more water will start to drop onto the floor. "Shit, shit. I'll get the bag. Do you need help getting dressed? Okay, where's my jacket? WHERE'S MY JACKET?!"

"Eren, honey I need to you calm down."

"Okay, sorry. I'm calm. Shit. Shit..."

Will hold your hand with a worried look the entire time you're in labour. Has water and snacks on hand.

Will watch in amazement as your child is pushed into the world. This magical moment changes something in him, but right now he's not sure what that is.

They will bond immediately. As soon as he holds your son/daughter he can't take his wide gaze off them.

They're inseparable.

Any doubts of being a bad father is washed away as he takes them under his wing and teaches them about the world.

[sleptwithinthesun]

Can I request a prompt? Maybe Bucky having the sneeziest cold while training (either just with Sam or maybe the other avengers?) and he’s reluctant to admit he’s sick. Thanks and I love your writing!

aww, of course!! thank you so much for the kind words, you've been super welcoming to me since i started posting stories and i really appreciate that. here's ~1.5K words of fic for you, i hope you like it :D

a/n: i'm (surprise!) not right-handed. please don't yell at me if anything is incorrect in regards to orientation/positioning.

"So you're telling me," Sam says, hands on his hips and one eyebrow raised, "that you've never kickboxed before?"

Bucky shakes his head. "It wasn't around when I was being... trained. Even though it started in Japan in the late 50s, American kickboxing was popularized in 1974, during the PKA's first World Championships. My first mission was in the early 60s, and from there, HYDRA didn't teach me anything new, only expanded on the training I already had." He winces at the half-faded memories swirling around in his mind, trying not to recall the screams of horror and disbelief.

"Nerd." Sam grins at him, pulling Bucky out of his head, and then effortlessly slips into his stance, right leg back, hands up at his face. "Come on, it'll be fun. Plus, I promise to go easy on you."

Bucky scoffs, stepping back with his right foot as he clumsily attempts to mimic the way Sam's standing. He's been feeling strangely off these past couple of days, tired and lead-limbed. If he had to guess, he'd say that he's getting sick, but he's a supersoldier. That's not something he does. "Yeah, right. Once I figure this out, you'll be asking me to go easy on you."

"We'll see," Sam murmurs, already stepping towards Bucky to correct him. "Put your back foot closer to a forty-five degree angle; that'll give you a wider range of motion. It also prevents you from staying square while you're fighting, obviously, and it helps with balance. Stand a little taller, too. Usually, your first instinct is going to be to crouch down for more stability, but you have to trust yourself. Use your height to your advantage and stay tall— but not too tall —when you're kickboxing." He moves in closer, adjusting Bucky's fists so that they're right in front of his face, the first around eye level and the second farther out but not much lower. "There."

"How long have you been kickboxing?" Bucky asks, watching Sam as he slides fluidly into position again, although his hands are slightly lower than Bucky's are.

Sam shrugs, eyes skirting to the side and away from Bucky's face. "Only a couple of years, maybe five or six? I joined a gym after my tours, needed a place to blow off some steam." He readjusts, bringing his hands up a little higher and curling them into loose fists. "Alright, let's just start with a jab. You're going to use your rear hand— for both of us, that's the left hand —and just punch forward. Imagine you're aiming at your opponent's face. Keep your chin down and eyes up." He demonstrates the jab a couple times, the motion quick and simple. "All you're doing is throwing a punch."

"Simple enough," Bucky says. His arm clicks as he copies Sam, quiet enough that no one else besides him can hear it. He's not sure if he should remind Sam that he was a boxing champion in his school days (and fuck, don't those seem like they were a century ago) and that he probably already knows most of what he's being shown now, or if he should just let it be. It's true that while he doesn't actually know the specifics of kickboxing, he was trained in Muay Thai. The two fighting styles are similar, though Muay Thai incorporates elbows and knees where kickboxing doesn't, at least not as much.

Sam nods. "Pretty good," he comments, winking when Bucky glares. "You're fine, man. Try a cross and then a hook, and then I'll show you a sequence, if that's alright. After that, we can go through a couple kicks and drills and then start sparring tomorrow."

"Sounds good," Bucky says, nodding, then punches the air in front of him. Sam whistles, low and long, and Bucky looks up to see him smiling with admiration in his eyes. "What?"

He shakes his head, brushing Bucky's question off. "Nothing, man. It's just nice to see you back in the groove, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." Bucky looks down at the ground, avoiding making eye contact, then goes back to the jab-cross-hook sequence. It's easier than trying to sort out everything that's happened between them, what with the way both their feelings have seemed to be changing since Sam accepted the role of Captain America.

-

Immediately after Bucky opens his eyes the next morning, everything is awful.

Correction: He feels awful. The previous ache has truly settled into his bones by now and there's a headache throbbing right behind his eyes, making the world swoop around him the moment he tries to sit upright. The worst of it all, however, is the sudden and relentless itch that runs around his nose and buzzes right next to his septum, quickly triggering a handful of sneezes that do nothing to quell it. "h'shhiew! heh'SHUH! ESSHh!"

Yeah. Today's going to be great.

He's never been so happy that Sam likes to wake up an hour before dawn to go for a run. It'll give him time to figure out how to hide his symptoms and make sure that Sam doesn't find out about any of this. The only real problem he sees is that he'll have to take a truckload of medicine to even make a dent in whatever this illness is, enough that Sam'll notice and be suspicious. Plus, judging by the time, he's probably going to be back soon, meaning he won't be able to go out and get anything for himself. Bucky's just going to have to push through.

"h'SHHuh! hih'ESHyew!" He sniffs and wipes at his nose after, checking himself in the mirror to make sure it's not noticeably red. Thankfully, it seems like he'll be able to pass for a little while longer, but that's pretty much dependent on if this tickle goes away or not. And from the looks of it, it's going to be a long day.

-

Sam puts in his mouthguard and straps his headgear on, smiling at Bucky as best he can. "Are you ready for this?"

"Ready as I'll ever be," Bucky responds, doing his best to seem alert and energetic. In reality, he would pass out right now if he could, but he promised Sam that he'd spar with him. Kickboxing really isn't that hard for him, considering his background and if he didn't feel so awful, Bucky would definitely be excited about their training.

"Alright," Sam says, holding his gloved fists up. Bucky matches his stance and puts his chin down, meeting Sam's eyes a second before he throws the first punch, a restrained jab, considering that it's his left hand.

After that, the fight is relatively quick. They're not trying to hurt each other, but it's not like they're just standing around waiting to either hit or defend. Sam's a fierce fighter, and his new training regime has made him a lot stronger. Bucky's a supersoldier, though, so he'd naturally be hitting harder than his training partner, it's just...

Whatever the hell is tearing through his system right now is really doing a number on him. Sam keeps landing hit after hit, and Bucky's just managing to defend himself. The damn tickle in his nose is so distracting he's barely able to concentrate on the sparring match for needing to sneeze.

"Fuck," he wheezes as Sam lands a solid rear-kick to his ribs. "Hey, Sam, do you mind if we—"

"—take a break? I thought you might ask that soon," Sam finishes, frowning at him. "Come here for a second?"

"Yeah, just... h'hih'SHHUH! uh'SHIEWW! Sorry," he mutters, wiping at his nose with the part of his forearm right above where the glove is. Before he can move towards Sam, there's a wrapped hand landing on his cheek. "I'm not sick."

Sam rolls his eyes, although he does pull his hand back. "Sure, Buck. You're not sick."

"I'm not," he insists, ducking into his elbow again. "h'ESSHH!"

"Bless, man," Sam tells him, patting him gently on the back while he gears up for yet another sneeze. "Bless. Are you sure?"

Bucky scoffs. "I'm a supersoldier. I don't get sick."

"The current evidence says otherwise," Sam points out. "You're not feverish, I don't think, so it's probably just a cold. And before you try to tell me again that you 'don't get sick', you've also been in some pretty extenuating circumstances. That's sure to mess with your immune system."

"I guess," Bucky admits, sniffling as he pulls his gloves off, and then his wraps. Sam undoes his wraps as well, his own gloves already tucked under his arm.

"Come on," he says gently, starting back towards the house and pausing when Bucky holds a finger up. "Bless," he says in advance, grinning through his mouthguard when Bucky glares at him.

"hh... hih'SHIIEW! huh'ISH'uh! htt'SHYEWW!"

Sam rubs a hand over Bucky's back as he catches his breath, eyes softening. "You alright?"

Bucky shrugs. "I'll live."

"Of course you will."

[onlydreamofmysoul]

The Prize (Ficmas #3)

The gymnastics au is here!!!! I’d love to revisit sometime and make it a multi-chaptered thing but for now... here we go!!!!!!

(This one is just wolfstar, it’s not set in the SW or C2C worlds :))

Remus looked up from where he was chalking up his grips to see Sirius just beginning a run up on the track. He let his eyes follow the other man for a moment as he took a couple of powerful strides before launching himself into a series of flips and somersaults, sticking his landing beautifully.

“Damn,” Lily whistled from his side. “He’s looking good this year.”

Isn’t he always, Remus thought, but he didn’t say that of course. Instead he just nodded. “Yeah, he’ll be tough competition, that’s for sure.”

“At least you’ll be competing as a team as well as individually.” Lily pointed out. “So hey, guess you can use him.”

Remus smirked and rolled out his shoulders before walking back to his bar, jumping to catch it before pulling his body up and around in a circle so he could support himself with his arms while his waist rested against the bar.

“You better get back to A-bar before McGonagall comes to find you again.”

Lily shuddered. “Yeah, damn she’s already salty that I forgot my chalk, she’ll murder me if I stay here too long.”

Remus chuckled as she walked off before taking a breath to refocus himself and setting back to work. 

He was trying to perfect his dismount - a triple back tuck, but no matter what he was trying, he kept seeming to land on his ass. He grit his teeth, annoyed that his coach was missing today. He had a stand in of course, but the new kid Peter had never coached anyone at Remus’ level and was really just there to put safety mats in place when Remus needed them mid routine. He was just setting up the iPad to record (if no one was teaching him, then damn he would try to do it himself), when Sirius wandered up to his side.

“Want me to take a look?”

Remus nodded. “Please,” He glanced over at Peter, lowering his voice, “He’s nice and all but…”

“He doesn’t know shit.” Sirius finished and they both laughed. “Yeah I know, he was working with me a few days ago.”

Remus got back on the bar and immediately set into his rotations, ignoring his routine and just circling the bar a couple of times before his dismount. When he let go he tucked in tight, pulling his knees into his body as his chin tucked into his chest, tumbling once, twice, three times before… falling back on his arse.

He flopped back on the mat, covering his face with his forearm for a moment. “Ugh I swear this is gonna kill me.”

He could hear Sirius’ smirk, but he peeked at the other man anyway because damn, if he didn’t like that smile. “You’re actually pretty close.”

“Yeah?” He asked, standing up again. 

“Yeah, c’mere I recorded it so you can see.”

They stood much closer than polite societal rules would usually expect, Remus getting to use the excuse of watching the iPad. Remus watched himself on the screen, it started okay, his swings were good, he had enough power between them and then-

“Oh.” He said. “I’m letting go too early.”

Sirius grinned up at him. “Yeah! I wasn’t sure if you’d see it, but yeah that’s your issue. You only need to hold on maybe half a second later.”

Remus bit his lip, trying to figure out how the hell he would work that out. Time measurements were never quite his thing. Sirius seemed to get that though and instead pointed up at the ceiling. 

“You’re letting go here.” He said, pointing at a 45 degree angle. You need to let go when your toes point up there.” Moving his hand so his arm made more of a 60 degree shape. 

Remus nodded and smiled. “Yeah that makes more sense.” He chalked up his hands again and got back on the bar. He always liked dismounts. They had never been his strongest feature, but they were often his favourite. The feeling was about as close to flying as humans could come. He really focused as he swung this time, envisioning the place he’d let go with every rotation. On the fourth swing, he let go, feeling himself fly higher into the air than he ever had today. He tucked in, already knowing it was going to work before his feet landed on the mat, without even a little stumble. 

“Oh my god!” He exclaimed, beaming at Sirius. “Thank you!”

Sirius smiled and made a gesture that looked like he was going to run his fingers through his hair before realising his hair was tied up. “No bother.”

He glanced back at the track. “I should uh, probably get back.”

Remus smiled at him ruefully. “Probably. Hey, thanks again.”

Sirius winked at him cheekily. “Anytime.”

A week later Remus was just finishing on vault when Sirius came up. 

“Hey, do you mind if I join?”

Remus looked up at the sound of the other man’s voice and smiled. “Yeah of course. I’m just finished anyways so it’s all yours.”

Remus wasn’t sure if it was just him or if Sirius actually looked a little disappointed at that. 

“Oh yeah, cool.” He looked down and pointed at the springboard. “Mind if I change that?”

Remus shook his head. “Work away.”

Sirius grinned and grabbed the equipment, pulling it several inches closer to the vault. 

“Is that close enough for you?” Remus teased. 

Sirius looked up at him, a strand of hair falling in front of his eyes as he made sure the board was at the right measurement. “Oh fuck off, it’s not my fault you’re freakishly tall.”

“Hey, six foot two is not ‘freakishly tall’! You’re just freakishly short.” He protested. 

Sirius stood up, a good head shorter than Remus. “And five foot ten isn’t freakishly short.” He opposed, his bottom lip pouting slightly before he grinned again. 

“I suppose we’-”

“Oi Lupin!”

Remus winced at Moody’s summons. “I’d better go.” He laughed sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. 

Sirius’ eyes widened. “Yeah you do not want to get on Moody’s bad side. I accidentally made him tea instead of coffee once and I don’t think he’s forgiven me yet.”

Remus snorted a laugh. “That sounds about right.” He shuffled a little, not really wanting to leave. “He’s not too bad though.”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah,” He looked across the gym and spotted his own coach, Arthur Weasly, making his way across to them. “I like my coach too.”

Remus followed his gaze and smiled. “Oh Weasly’s lovely, I’ve always liked him.”

“You do know I’m timing you, right Lupin?” Moody called and Remus’ eyes widened. 

“Fuck, see you later!” He half yelled as he ran off, Sirius laughing in the background.

Remus was stretching out his splits the next time Sirius found him. 

“Hey.” Sirius greeted as he slid into his right leg split next to Remus. 

Remus glanced over at him, eyeing the other man’s form. “Hi. You need to turn your back knee under more.”

Sirius did as instructed then winced. “Ouch, I can feel that stretch.”

Remus smirked. “Ha, sucks to be you.”

Sirius stuck out his tongue. “Oh fuck off, not all of us are naturally flexible.”

“Okay we both know you’re the power gymnast and I’m the flexible one.” Remus said as he twisted slightly to sit in his side splits. Sirius followed his motions so they were now face to face.

“You ready for regionals?” Sirius asked. 

Remus shrugged a shoulder. The regional competitions were two weeks away. “I suppose? As ready as I’ll ever be anyways. I’m not too sure about my pommel routine but I suppose there’s always something that’s not perfect.”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah, I hate the rings. I mean I like them, but they’re my least favourite.”

“It’ll be nice to compete again though.” Remus admitted. “I missed the last season with my injury.” He said, nodding to his taped knee. 

Sirius winced. “Yeah, how’s it doing?”

“Oh it’s fine now, I just like to keep it supported.” Sirius met Remus’ eyes. “Better safe than sorry, am I right?”

Sirius nodded seriously. “It was a dislocation right?” 

Remus nodded. “Yeah, but I damaged the ligament, that’s why it took so long to recover.”

“Fuck that’s a tough one.”

Remus nodded as they both twisted into their left leg splits. He reached back and patted his right knee fondly. 

“It’s okay now though.”

Sirius smiled softly. “It’s nice to have you back.”

A week before the regional competitions, Sirius found Remus in the locker room.

“Hey.” Sirius greeted, still in his shorts and a t-shirt while Remus was still shirtless after his shower, towel drying his hair. He peeked out at Sirius from under the white cloth before lowering his arms. 

“Hey.”

Sirius seemed to freeze for a moment, his eyes following Remus’ arms to where they rested by his side, his gaze snagging somewhere around Remus’ midsection. 

“Sirius?”

Sirius seemed to snap back into himself, shaking his head. “Shit sorry.” He mumbled, his cheeks flushing. “I uh, I zoned out for a second.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Did you need something?” He asked, amused as he shrugged on his shirt. 

Sirius blinked a few times before coming fully to his senses. “Oh yeah, right, yeah.” He blinked again and Remus had to bite back his laugh. “Are you staying overnight at regionals?”

Remus cocked his head. “They’re six hours away and we begin at six am. I’m staying the night before and the night of the competition.”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah.” He breathed. “Me too, that’s what I’m doing.”

Remus waited a beat, but Sirius didn’t seem to have anymore to say. Remus put on his denim jacket, checking his watch - he had twenty minutes before he needed to be in class. 

“Okay well, if that’s it I’d better go - I have class in a bit.” He said, smiling at Sirius and beginning to move towards the door. 

“Wanna share a room?” Sirius blurted out just as Remus was opening the door. 

Remus froze, then turned to look at Sirius, his hand still resting on the door handle. 

“It’s uh, cheaper.” Sirius continued, rambling a little. “And I figured it might be easier? I don’t know, I don’t like going myself, plus it’s nice to spend time with your team and-”

“Yes.” Remus laughed, cutting Sirius off. “That sounds really good.”

Sirius’ eyes lit up. “Yeah?”

Remus nodded, smiling. “Yeah.” He glanced towards the door then looked back at Sirius. “I’ve gotta go now because I have a class, but I’ll text you and we can work it out?”

“Yeah.” Sirius breathed. “Text me.”

Remus smiled and went out the door, falling back against the wood the minute it had closed. Had that just happened? Was he really going to share a room with Sirius Black? This was quite possibly the worst decision he had ever made. 

(And yet his heart seemed convinced it was the best).

He glanced at his phone again. Fifteen minutes to get to campus. Remus cursed under his breath and ran out the door, he could think about this later. 

“Hey Re, can I get a lift up to regionals?” Lily asked as they ran around the floor warming up the next day. 

“Sure. Sirius is coming too.”

Lily side eyed him. “You’re giving Sirius a lift?”

Remus could feel his face reddening, and it wasn’t from the exercise. “Um, we’re kind of going to share a room.”

Lily stopped running and stared at him. Remus had to jog back a couple of paces to get back to her. 

“You’re sharing a room with Sirius?” She asked, her eyes wider than saucers. “What? How? When did this happen? How did I miss all this?”

“Maybe it was when you were off getting serenaded by that swimmer.” Remus teased, talking about James - Lily’s new boyfriend. “I’m just kidding. It wasn’t a big thing, we’re… friends now? Yeah I think we’re friends.”

“You’re sharing a room but you don’t know if you’re friends.” Lily deadpanned. “Remus Lupin you are a useless lump of a man.”

Remus burst out laughing as they began running again. “Hey, give me a break, I’m just glad I’ve been able to actually talk to him, believe me there were a few times where I barely even functioned.”

Lily gave him that knowing look again. “Oh I’m aware. It took you this fucking long to talk to him in the first place, and then he was the one to make the first move.”

“Okay you can't call it ‘the first move’, we’re not dating or anything.”

“Yet.” Lily snorted and Remus just rolled his eyes, smiling. “So, can James come up with us?”

“Ooh, your boyfriend’s coming to the competition huh?”

It was Lily’s turn to flush. “Hush.” She admonished. “Maybe I just want him to show the other ways my flexibility can come in handy.” She said, smirking. 

Remus wrinkled his nose. “Ew, imagery, Lily why would you do this to me.”

Lily jumped and kissed him on the cheek. At five foot one she was more than a foot shorter than him. “Cause I love ya.”

Remus smiled. “Love you too. And yeah, James can of course come too.”

“You’re the literal best, Remus Lupin.” Lily said seriously as they slowed down to stretch. “I’ll let him know. You know, I have this feeling he and Sirius are going to get along really well.”

Remus grinned at the image. He had only met James once or twice, but he knew what Lily meant. “I suppose we’ll have to wait and see.”

James and Sirius got on so well Remus was half worried they would ditch Lily and Remus altogether and just ride off into the sunset. They arrived in the hotel lobby and Lily tucked herself under Remus’ arm sleepily for a moment as Sirius and James got the room keys. 

“This is really nice.” Lily sighed, looking at the boys fondly.

Remus had been surprised at how well everyone had melded together. It felt like they had always been friends. Platonic puzzle pieces. They had left fairly late - everyone needed to finish classes and work and they had driven in the dark. It was possibly the best road trip Remus had ever been on.

“Yeah.” He agreed, kissing the top of her head as the other two returned and the group split up, having rooms in different parts of the hotel. “Yeah, it is.”

“Which bed do you want?” Remus asked as he opened the door, his bag slipping off his shoulder awkwardly. 

“I don’t care.” Sirius replied, following Remus in, laughing as Remus struggled to adjust his bag and just flung it on the closest bed in defeat. 

“Guess this is mine then.” Sirius said, throwing himself on the second twin bed in the room. His hair was down and it fanned around his face like a satanic halo. Remus couldn’t look away. This had to be the worst idea he’d ever had.

“I am so tired.” He mumbled as he zipped open his suitcase, ignoring his gear to grab his pyjamas. 

“Me too.” Sirius agreed, standing up and kicking off his shoes before padding to the bathroom. The room was filled with the hum that always accompanied hotel bathrooms when the light was flicked on. Remus could hear Sirius shuffling around, brushing his teeth as Remus slipped into his pyjamas, sighing at the comfort they brought. Sirius came out of the bathroom and Remus took his turn washing up before flicking off the bathroom light. 

“Can I turn this off?” Remus asked, pointing to the main overhead light, Sirius already under the covers.

“Yeah go ahead.” Sirius said, his voice slow and honeyed with sleep. Remus flipped the switch and made his way to his bed in the dark, sinking under the covers, only just remembering to set his alarm for the morning before he let sleep take hold of him. 

“G’night Sirius.” He mumbled. He was asleep before he even heard a reply.

Remus didn’t see much of Sirius the day of the competition, bar when they woke up in the morning. But they had both been quiet, readying themselves for the day. They both had their routines and they worked around each other in sync. Remus had never gotten on with someone so seamlessly aside from Lily. 

Sirius bit his lip before they left the hotel room, looking like he wanted to say something. 

“Remus?” 

Remus had paused where he was tying his shoes, his tracksuit immaculate. “Yeah?”

Sirius seemed to battle with something in his head for a moment before letting it drop. “Good luck today.”

Remus smiled at him. “Thanks.” He breathed. “You too.”

“See you on the podium?” Sirius teased. 

Remus raised an eyebrow. “I’ll be the one in the middle.”

Sirius had been right, they did see each other on the podium. Sirius was the one in the middle though, Remus at his side winning the silver medal. 

“Well if it isn’t the golden boy.” Remus muttered under his breath as they smiled for the cameras. Sirius burst out laughing next to him, much to the confusion of the bronze medallist. 

“Told you so.”

“I suppose you did. The winner of more than one thing today.”

“Do I get a prize?” Sirius asked and Remus’ heart stuttered. It almost seemed… Flirty. 

“What do you call that big heavy thing around your neck?” He retaliated, smiling one more time before they were allowed down from the podium. 

Sirius smirked at him. “Validation.”

They all went out for dinner that night, celebrating a series of medals - Lily looking dazzling with another gold medal. 

“Aw look at poor Remus.” She and Sirius teased. “What’s it like so far down?”

Remus looked down at her, still miles beneath him even in heels. “I don’t know, you tell me.”

James choked on his drink as he laughed and Sirius cracked up beside him. They didn’t stay out late - they were all exhausted so as soon as they had dinner they all retreated back to their rooms.

“Onto nationals next.” Remus commented as he and Sirius strolled down their corridor after exiting the elevator. “Think we’ll make the team?”

Sirius didn’t have to ask what team. There was only one Remus could possibly be talking about, they all only had one goal in mind at this level - the Olympics.

“I really fucking hope so.” Sirius admitted, then bumped his hip against Remus’. “It’s looking good so far.”

Remus smiled and unlocked their door. “I suppose it is.”

They filed into their room, taking a moment to move their stuff from where they had been flung on the beds in the chaos that had been them trying to get changed quickly for dinner. 

“I still don’t have a prize.” Sirius said, his voice a little shaky.

Remus glanced up, his bed now clear. “Well, you never said what you wanted.”

Sirius flopped back on his bed, covering his face with his forearm. Remus couldn’t help but think of the first time Sirius had helped him - Remus had been in the same position. 

“I was hoping I wouldn’t have to, but it would seem you don’t do well with subtlety.”

Remus huffed a laugh. “My sincerest apologies.” He said, a little sarcastically before throwing caution to the wind and lying down on Sirius’ bed next to him. 

“What is it you want?” He asked, his voice soft in a way he had never heard it before. 

Sirius moved his arm so Remus could see gorgeous grey, surrounded by those long, dark eyelashes. 

“I want you to kiss me.”

Remus froze. Sirius wanted Remus to kiss him. Remus. Remus Lupin. Kiss Sirius Black. He was fairly sure his brain had short circuited. 

Remus must have frozen for too long, because Sirius sat up, swallowing as he moved away. “Um, sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I thought-”

Remus caught his wrist gently, his long fingers circling it completely. 

“Please never try to be subtle again.” He said, as he pulled Sirius down to his level. Chest to chest, they stared at each other for a moment, both of them barely breathing. 

“Wait.” Sirius croaked. “You mean-”

Remus didn’t let him finish, kissing him instead. All he could think was that this was what had been missing from his life. Sirius’ soft lips against his, Remus caressing that ridiculously silky hair as Sirius melted into him. 

Sirius pulled away for a moment to readjust himself - his arm had begun trembling under his weight, so Remus rolled them over, hovering over Sirius so he could kiss him sweetly. 

“I hope you like your prize.” He muttered and Sirius laughed against his lips before wrapping his arms around Remus’ waist and pulling him closer. 

“God yes.”

[antihumanism]

One of the many great things about the Gamera franchise is that it is completely schizo. The first Gamera is a kid friendly Godzilla, dropping the radiation burn victims and Oxygen Destroyer for a human plot that focuses mostly on a kid who just loves the shit out of this giant turtle. The giant turtle sort of reciprocates by saving the kid's life at one point (admittedly, the kid was only in danger because of Gamera's destruction, but whatever).

Gamera vs Barugon completely ditches the kid angle. The human plot is a dark morality tale about greed, revenge, and colonialism. There's still admiration for the monster, but it is comparable to Monsters as the female lead speaks in admiration about how beautiful Barugon's rainbow is and how no one has seen such terrors in a thousand years.

Then Gamera vs Gyaos swerves hard back into being a kid's movie, bringing back the child lead who is smarter than all of the adults and who drives both the human and monster plot. The kid even watches the final monster battle, cheering for the giant turtle to vanquish the dreaded Gyaos. But Gyaos also introduces another distinctive bit of Gamera schizo in that it is gory by kaiju standards. Gyaos nearly severs Gamera's arm in one battle and his tail in another, there's a giant pool of blood to lure out Gyaos because he lusts for blood, Gamera bites into Gyaos's neck and worries him like a dog with a feral cat while blood sprays across his face before the Friend to All Children drags his dying prey into a volcano. Godzilla Showa movies largely followed the rules of 80's kid's cartoons, where judo throws, blunt objects and energy blasts are okay, but thou shalt not shed blood in anger. Gamera Showa movies followed the "rules" of an illegal dog fighting match, where you bite down hard through the jugular and keep shaking your head and don't let up until the hated Enemy stops moving.

The remaining Gamera Showa movies follow a similar logic of obviously kid targeted but inexplicably gory kaiju movies. Sometimes they did this with honor like Gamera vs Jiger (a movie written for 12 year olds but with adults in mind and that presages the rival Godzilla franchise's Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla entry in it's commentary on Japan's relentless quest for modernization and monoculturalism at the expense of native cultures, and a movie that followed the logic of the first Gamera in constantly asspulling newer and crazier powers for the baddy just when you thought the heroes had this in the bag), but mostly they were not very good. Gamera: Super Monster was the series’ nadir, coming from a place of pure contempt for the audience on the basis that unaccompanied toddlers who accidentally stumbled into the theater wouldn't realize they were watching 60% clip show of previous films and 40% super shitty Super Sentai rip off with no meaningful connection between the two parts because the audience has no object permanence. Nevertheless, these movies are something of a trip. Imagine that Barney the Dinosaur had a gritty reboot that was two-thirds exactly what you'd expect, and the other third featured a newly introduced character called KnifeMan who just hated children like crazy and would pin Barney into a corner and try to disembowel him with his knife body while blood spewed everywhere. Then the movie ends with Barney the purple dinosaur chomping down on KnifeMan's head hard enough to burst his skull sending gore everywhere. That would be fucked up, right? Well, that’s like half the Gamera movies.

Speaking of gritty reboots, the 90's Gamera trilogy hard swerves again and grittily reboots the series, ditching the Friend to All Children in favor of the Defender of the Universe. The 90's trilogy takes so much inspiration from Evangelion that one is almost tempted to give it the D-word label. They even use an ingenious and never again matched twist in Gamera 3 of showing a scene from the final battle of Gamera: Guardian of the Universe (in which our favorite giant turtle bursts through an apartment building) from the perspective of the poor, stupid fleshbags who happen to be in the apartment building at the time. Two of those poor, stupid fleshbags had names and family and that family included a surviving daughter, and Ayana swears vengeance on the Friend to No One Actually He’s Kind of a Dick. The whole 90′s trilogy is really good and does everything that the American Godzilla series seeks to do so much better than any American Godzilla movie is likely to accomplish, and when I’m not being a contrarian I’ll acknowledge that it exceeds the first three Gamera movies, but it is also very much not a kid’s trilogy. Not to say that a child can’t watch it and enjoy it, I am a child after all, but imagine if a My Little Pony movie leaned so hard on Rescue at Midnight Castle that it broke itself in half and went full grimdark with Megan returning as a murderous, remorseless, Rambo-tier psycho who carves a bloody swath through Dream Valley in her relentless pursuit of Tirek, killing anypony that happens to end up in her path. That would be fucked up, right? It’ll be a few years before I show this trilogy to my niece, is what I’m saying.

And then the last (so far) Gamera hatches. Gamera the Brave is, in every possible way, a direct repudiation of Gamera 3. We’re a kid’s series again. We get a rehash of the central conflict of Gamera 3 (Gamera killed someone’s mom fighting a monster, that someone finds an egg, etc) but now that egg is Gamera’s offspring/sibling/reincarnated self and instead of the angry tot becoming an avatar of vengeance, he heals by bonding with a magic turtle that burps and farts fire. It is E.T. if E.T. was a kaiju. It is as gory it’s predecessors, but changing opinions and advancing special effects have decided that this degree of bloodshed is normal so it is fucking weird in context because it is normal.

[rozmiller-blog-blog]

The Stronghold

The Last Moments of Ezra and Miles

Listen instead of read --- > On YouTube

There were supposed to be four of them out there.  Why would they think they could ever pull off something so dangerous with just two people?  Ezra’s body cam shows the tragic final moments of Ezra and Miles.  They were attempting to secure a site located in the ravine 3 miles from our fortified home.  

Home was safe you know?  As safe as you could get in the apocalypse crawling with either dead or almost dead crazed people and creatures.  Everyone calls them zombies and the mutated, it sounds like movie nonsense but whatever's’ going on, those are the best words to describe this mess.  

Home has been reinforced over the years with 8-foot-thick walls made of what we’ll just go ahead and call “concrete aggregate” more or less...mostly less.  It was set up like a castle with crude arrow slits on the 30-foot wall that surrounded our 10-story stronghold.  There’s even a 20-foot trench circling our stronghold.  

From the outside, it’s a vertical drop with about a foot and a half in width at the bottom before it begins to incline at a 75-degree angle which would require one to use a rope if they hoped to get out.  The entire trench is littered with broken glass, old barbed wire, rusty knives, split aluminum, and tons of other sharp debris that can cause severe lacerations and impalement.  If that’s not bad enough, this trench surrounding our stronghold canals out to a small manmade stream that dumps into the river at the bottom of the ravine where Ezra and Miles were last alive.  The thing that makes this worse is that the entire stronghold directs all the sewage from the community into the trench.  It’s not enough sewage to completely engulf the debris but it is enough to puddle and stream out through the canal.  

We don’t do this to be gross and we don’t do it for the zombies.  It’s one thing falling into the trench and getting cut but it’s a nightmare getting cut and trying to heal with malnourishment, little rest, and when you add the factor of sewage in your wounds, you’re calling on a one-way ticket to bacterial infection and ultimately death.  In the apocalypse, infection is like HIV...once anything gets infected, you just wait to die.  There're no more meds or antibiotics anywhere except in military strongholds and in their transport vehicles.  Everyone else has to try and treat bacterial infection with jungle remedies or whatever they can but even the methods that have been used for thousands of years have a very low success rate since the mutation causing zombies has crossed over to plant DNA.  So much as touching some of these plants or breathing their pollen can lead to you becoming a zombie or worse one of those mutants.  

The sewage at the bottom of the trench is to infect humans.  Yes.  Humans, packs of bandits roam the world now and anyone jumping our fence will fall directly into the trench.  The only way in or out of the stronghold is the opening of the C-130 bay doors.  We literally have a fortress built around a military cargo plane.  We can go into that another time but to leave our safe home on a mission that is doomed to fail just didn’t make sense for Ezra.  Miles would do anything to impress someone but Ezra was smarter.

Ezra’s body cam showed that he took a scout vehicle equipped with a shotgun, 60 shells, a high-power rifle with 25 armor piercing rounds.  The scout vehicle had a small suture kit with some homemade antiseptics along with “The Shot”.  The Shot rapidly flushes your system of everything, good or bad, in a matter of seconds which comes in handy if you get bit or scratched too much by a mutant.  If you don’t have The Shot you will mutate and try to eat everyone’s face.  A zombie bite can be healed if you don’t let it get infected which leaves your only resort to giving your bite a bleach bath which is unpleasant to say the least.  

Ezra’s vehicle contained three capsules of amphetamines, otherwise called an amp tab, which is used in the field to counteract fatigue, loss of stamina and survive with no sleep.  Some people abuse them and try to steal them but with our new protocols those numbers are dropping.  There were three sticks of dynamite, three RC bombs with one remote, and one cyanide capsule.  

The plan itself was simple enough but executing an undermanned mission in those deadly conditions don’t make any since at all.  Miles and Ezra were to drive their own vehicles to the site and back in order to spread out losses.  If one of them didn’t make it back at least we still had the other.  That’s how all the missions go at the stronghold except Miles and Ezra were already down two men.  Being down two men is a lot considering 80% of our missions lose, on average, one scout vehicle.  They were supposed to drive three miles to the ravine, locate the overrun military supply convoy, and secure the area.  All the noise driving the scout vehicles attract everything for miles.  They were supposed to drive as little as possible in the ravine so they needed to get as close to their site as possible before entering the ravine since sound travels further down the ravine.  They hoped to reduce the number of zombies and mutants attracted to their location by doing this and it seemed like a good idea not to alert every creature in the ravine to their presence.  These creatures don’t just get bored if you’re going too fast.  They keep running probably following the zombies in front of them but if you had to drive somewhere, you always have to be on alert for at least 8 hours to take care of any following hordes once you reach a stopping point.  

As soon as their location was secured, they were supposed to pack as much of the military supplies into their scout vehicles and bring it back to base.  These military convoys are littered far and wide.  They are very dangerous to approach because of the huge amount of ammo in each convoy.  Something about the smell or vibration of gunpowder attracts mutants and the zombies follow the mutants.  The convoy also transfers food guns and medical supplies but with all the bandits and creatures it would be a death sentence to travel without ammunition and stockpiles of it.  The military has something like an 85% success rate when moving convoys and we are always looking for that 15% before they send out recovery teams.  That’s what Miles and Ezra were after, the supplies.  

Miles sped off in the wrong direction while Ezra was still getting his equipment in order causing him to waste gas and expose himself and the stronghold’s resources to unnecessary risk.  Miles was always doing things like this, acting before he thinks and pays for it regardless.  While making a U-turn, Miles screams over the radio, “Damnit! Ezra I just hit a mutant with those flower things on it!  I have to get out! I breathed in some of that dusty crap!”  

By this time Ezra had already began driving in the right direction and was forced to pull off to the side of the road to wait for Miles to send his en route confirmation or a distress call for assistance.  Everybody knows that when you see flowers growing on a mutant you stay away.  Those flowers, when ruffled, release a dense pollen cloud into the atmosphere and breathing too much or prolonged skin contact is fatal and will eventually mutate you.  “What’s your status Miles?” Ezra asks over the radio.

Miles replies “I’m getting back in now but my windshield is gone.”  Miles laughs, “That smelly bastard broke my damn windshield but I'm- AAH!  There’s still an arm in here with flowers on it.”  Miles kicks the arm out the passenger side of the car.  Miles goes to tell Ezra he is on his way when he sees one of those big mutants with flowers running towards him from two blocks away followed by at least 30 zombies.  “Oh man Ezra I need to get out of here.”  He runs back to the driver side of the vehicle with his finger still pressing the talk button on the radio, “FUCK!  One of those werewolves! AHH!”  

Ezra pops into first gear and makes a loud U-turn in the direction where Miles got attacked.  When Ezra heard “werewolf” he hurried to help Miles, something few would do.  Not because Miles was unlikeable, in fact everybody liked Miles he was always making somebody laugh, a lot of times at the peril of someone else but everyone knew he was always kidding.  Nobody liked doing runs with Miles though because of his loose cannon spontaneous behavior.  But that’s not even why most people wouldn't go back.  

When you hear werewolf, all you do is hope that there’s someone behind you to get caught by it so you can make your escape.  Human sacrifice is the most effective way to escape the werewolves.  These aren’t werewolves in the mythological sense.  It’s just what people call them since they remind everyone of how werewolves would act if they were real.  It doesn’t matter what kind of moon there is these things are out there.  They look effectively humanoid but their arms are longer than they should be with no hands just jagged broken protruding bones or what's left of them.  These things are known to dig into underground bunkers by the thousands digging until they had no hands and it was just arm bones.  They would always find the ventilation shafts so people stopped relying on the bunkers very quickly.  The legs are very muscular allowing them to leap over 15 feet into the air. The face is just disgusting with eyes that look like the skin was cut away with a steak knife to expose their pure yellow glow.  Their noses look like a completely flattened pig's nose dripping with orange snot or something.  The snot stuff drips into and passed the mouth that gapes wider than any person could ever and down their pointed chin.  

They have no teeth because these things put their mouth on their victim’s entire face and just suck out their brain and blood through their eyes and nose.  Anything a person ate before also comes up along with pieces of their intestines and after that they’re left with no eyes, brain, or blood with their intestines hanging from their mouth.  So, their behavior isn't exactly like a werewolf but they sure move like them and have otherworldly physical strength.  This is why most people wouldn’t have gone back to help Miles, fear.  

Ezra knew he had to hurry but he also knew this would cost precious fuel, putting at risk the entire mission not to mention his own life.  Ezra pulls up to Miles and the werewolf sucker thing and rolls down his window.  A sawed-off shotgun points out towards miles and the mutant.  Two quick shots, BANG BANG, sends the mutant leaping from the back of Miles and sprawling around the ground.  Miles regaining his composer limps to his own vehicle as Ezra gets out of his vehicle to throw a knife 5 meters into the side of the mutant’s head causing the creature to twitch a few times and then stop moving.  “Get your shit together we have to leave now!”  Ezra yells as the horde closed in less than a half block away.

The two went speeding off and eventually made it to the ravine but the fuel that was wasted caused Ezra to make another deadly choice.  He decided they would have to enter the ravine sooner than planned to save gas but risk a larger horde descending upon their mission location.  As soon as they arrive, they begin searching the closest of the military convoy vehicles to see if they can utilize any of the arsenal to secure their location.  With less than a minute to get their bearings Ezra quietly tells Miles, “Place those landmines,” as Miles begins placing them Ezra points, “No, put them in the path.  The path is where the zombies are going to pour in the most from.”    

One of those loud slimy slug-like mutants dug its way up out of the ground, they look like a slug or a worm but they have this circular mouth with serrated teeth.  It can create a low pitch tone so loud that your lungs vibrate and this tells every zombie and mutant in the area where to go.  If you get close to these things they go back into the ground and spray a fountain of excrement as their rear end slips into the darkness and this excrement chemically burns through any known organic matter.  

Ezra throws a grenade at the slimy slug thing before it could make any noise.  Direct hit except the grenade itself made a lot of noise attracting the creatures in the immediate area.  Risk versus reward, it was a better call since the slug’s low frequency can travel for miles calling a much bigger problem.  According to Ezra’s body cam he was also trying to lure the creatures to the mines that Miles had placed but suddenly a few unseen slug things let out their roar right after the explosion.  This was bad.  Ezra tosses another grenade at a few of the zombies in the path of the mines and then another.  The first grenade blows the limbs off of a zombie and half the face of another.  The third explodes as one of those oversized fat mutants that stand 10 feet walks into the blast radius.  These fat boys, as so they're called, are tough to take down even with explosives.  Now three more fat boys are in range as Ezra throws another grenade in the crowd of fat boys.  Jackpot!  Four fat boys 4 grenades but he was down to 2 grenades and there was no telling how much longer they had to fight.  Another fat boy comes running through the smoke, Ezra throws a cooked grenade and it blows off the leg of the fat boy.  Two more fat boys approach the noise and Ezra has no choice but to use his final grenade.  Another skillful throw taking out the last two fat boys along with the bulk of a horde of about 10 zombies.  Ezra hears the howls of the werewolves and quietly retreats to the military vehicle. He grabs as many boxes of 12-gauge shells as he could hold and a few of the armor piercing rounds that he could see.  He now had 30 armor piercing rounds and 90 shotgun shells.  

Ezra looks down at the mines that he told Miles to place.  “You didn’t activate the mines!  Go activate the damn mines!” Ezra yells, panicked, at Miles.

“Oh shit?” Exclaims Miles, “I didn’t know you had to activate mines.”

“So what? You think they, themselves the mines, know when it's time to become lethal and when not to?”  Ezra sneers sarcastically.

“Yea smartass because sarcasm is going to save our asses out here.” Miles shoots back.

Rolling his eyes, Ezra snaps “Yup!  About as much as a deactivated land mine.”  

Miles remotely activates the mines just in time as a werewolf sucker thing leaps from the distance only to be blown backwards by the explosion from Miles’s land mine.  Three zombies set off another land mine in the distance as Ezra fires his shotgun finishing off the nearby zombies and sucker.  He runs up to a zombie laying on the ground picks up a huge stick and smashes the zombie’s skull.  He fires his shotgun at one of those slug things that had made the noise before, killing it but according to the audio there seemed to be at least two more lurking around the immediate area.  He shoots another zombie in the face executing it while it lay on the ground squirming with no legs blown off by Ezra’s grenade from earlier.  

With some breathing room Miles resupplies from the military vehicle as Ezra inches forward to assess their situation and plan their next move.  Ezra sneaks to his scout vehicle and takes the last three grenades he brought and wraps a bandage around a cut he must have received in his scuffle with the horde.  Ezra places one of the stronghold’s homemade RC or Remote-control bombs.  It's basically a toy remote-control car rigged into a bomb except the controller doesn’t move the car, it detonates the bomb.  The only down side is that the bomb has to be manually placed since it’s too heavy for the remote-control car to drive it around, if even it were wired in that way.  On the plus side, it makes a BIG boom and also works great as a diversion.  

Once he placed the RC bomb, he throws a grenade in the direction of a horde of fat boys and suckers mostly in order to lure them to his trap.  His grenade kills four zombies and two suckers but there are at least five suckers and six fat boys still in that horde.   With the horde closer now, Ezra remaining undetected by the creatures, he tosses his second-to-last grenade into the middle of the horde and at that moment right behind him, Miles placed a huge firecracker that screamed and blasted off for a whole minute.  

Ezra yells at Miles, “What the hell are you doing?”  He runs back, aborting his plan. “Are you trying to get me killed?”

Miles yelps, “Oh my god! I'm so sorry. I thought that was a homemade land mine too!”  

The horde was coming, there was a sucker 10 meters behind Ezra and he was 20 meters behind his RC bomb.  Damnit Miles!  Ezra pressed the button to detonate the RC bomb.  The sucker had already cleared the bomb and was gaining on Ezra, three meters from his back, Ezra swings around and fires his shotgun and misses the sucker.  Ezra is tackled and taken to the ground as the sucker opens its mouth dripping with the orange snot that flows from its nose.  The sucker clamps its mouth onto the side of Ezra’s face.  Ezra picks up a nearby stone that luckily was flat enough to squeeze under the mouth flesh of the sucker.  He gets his hand into the mutant’s mouth and subsequently shoves his entire arm down the creature’s throat.  It squirms and bounces to its feet at the same time Ezra makes it to his feet.  Ezra picks up the big stick from earlier and swings it at the sucker with full connection putting the mutant into a daze nearly causing it to collapse.  Ezra seizes the opportunity to execute it while it was vulnerable so he tackles the sucker while using the big stick in two hands he thrusts it to the mouth of the sucker and the mutant bites down.  Ezra wrestles it to the ground, puts one foot on one side of the stick and stands himself up placing his other foot on the other end of the stick crushing the skull of the sucker.  Ezra stomps on its skull two more times for good measure.  

Another sucker right behind him taking him out of his frenzy, Ezra jumps and rolls back to his feet and dives behind a vehicle all the while careful where he stepped.  The mutant leapt for him but set off a land mine which blew it backwards although it did not kill it.  Ezra comes from behind the vehicle and fires a shot but misses.  Another shot is a direct hit stunning the mutant, Ezra promptly bashed in its skull with the butt of his gun.  He sees four more of those horrible creatures approaching with three fat boys so he throws one last grenade.  It was hard to tell what he hit and he didn’t have time to worry, he just ran back the opposite direction dodging mines as they blew up behind him from the suckers chasing him.  These mines took out some of them but one breaks free, Ezra turns and fires a shot. Hit but he was too far and outside his gun’s effective range so he turns to continue running reloading.  

Two suckers were practically upon the two of them, Miles opens fire, Ezra fires the kill shot to the sucker out front as Miles lays suppressive fire on the one still coming, knocking it back giving Ezra time to reload.  Ezra fires two quick shots and the mutant stops moving.  Another one leaps from seemingly nowhere leaving behind the silhouette of another running directly behind it.  The first one almost takes Ezra to the ground but he dodged with no time to spare as he turns and fires a shot, Miles also fires a shot at the other one which suffers a heavy head injury but keeps coming.  The shot fired by Ezra knocks the first mutant unconscious.  Ezra could not kill it for sure because the one Miles was shooting at finally broke through while Miles was reloading.  Ezra fires at it knocks it unconscious and as he makes the decision to go finish both of them off, another one sprints at him along with a fat boy.  Immediate change of plans since that fat boy charged him, he had to fall backwards stumble to his feet and roll out of the way.  He moved just in time as he was able to swing around and pull the trigger. Click.  It was empty.  He panics a little and as he reaches into his pouch for shells, he fumbles and three fall on to the ground.  He turns around sprinting frantically trying to reload his gun as a sucker jumps off of a land mine the explosion killing it instantly but the force knocks Ezra on his face.  

The other mutants chasing him must have been affected too since they weren't directly upon him in that instant.  Those few seconds between firing an empty weapon and getting knocked off balance was enough time for those other two suckers from before to regain consciousness.  One of those things leapt onto Ezra but in the same exact moment it would connect, Ezra had placed an RC bomb rolled out of range of the explosion and was only hit by the force as he pressed the detonate button killing one of the two suckers.  Miles continued to fire what sounds like 5.56 into the remaining sucker but it was just too agile and it was upon him in seconds taking him to the ground.  Miles rolled away since the momentum of the collision sent the mutant and himself rolling in different directions.  Ezra saw the shot and took it, blowing off the creature’s head and it stopped moving.  Another sucker came with six more fat boys to add to the fat boy they were already dealing with.  

Miles gets hit hard in the ribs by a fat boy and almost collapses.  At this moment Ezra seems to see a horrendous wound on Mile’s back.  There was a bone exposed and his flesh had been ripped away but he was still fighting.  He manages to pull himself away from the fat boy as Ezra fires a shot from a distance making the sucker flinch.  The fat boy slams the spot on the ground Miles had been crouched after the blow to his ribs but instead of crushing Miles, it nearly killed the sucker and looks to have damaged the other three fat boys that were near it.  Ezra turns because he hears Miles's scream.  There’s a sucker poised over him about to suck out his brain, Ezra fires a risky shot knocking the mutant unconscious.  

Miles doesn’t feel the burn on his leg where he caught some of the shotgun spray that saved his life, he didn’t have time to.  One of those fat boys saw that Miles was injured and he just charged.  The fat boy first stepped on Miles’s left foot pressing the roof of his foot parallel to his shin.  The fat boy’s weight seems to liquify and flatten Mile’s leg.  The second step the fat boy took pressed down on Mile’s right shoulder and right pectoral muscle.  The right side of his chest was flattened as his left lung began to squeeze out of a golf ball size puncture wound under his armpit, a debilitating wound he’d received from the last sucker that attacked him.  The skin around the wound tore and ripped as more of his organs were forced out.  His body shook violently until the fat boy slipped in the puddle of Miles and falling on him flattening Miles’s body from his elbows to the top of his head.  

Ezra was instantly demoralized enough but the fat boy, being surprisingly agile as they were, jumped to its feet and picked up miles in one hand.  The fat boy took a bite of Mile’s head like it was jerky and after another bite, Mile’s head was gone.  It must have been too hard for Ezra to watch; he ran as fast as he could while the other fat boys moved even closer boxing him in.  He swings around and fires a shot at the sucker closing in on him and its badly injured another shot and it’s unconscious but another one comes running before Ezra can finish it off so he turns around and makes a run for it while reloading.  The suckers are on his tail he swings and fires, knocks one back and the other one slows down, so he executes the one that got knocked back with the heel of his boot while firing a shot at the remaining sucker and it stops moving.  

Ezra makes his way out of being trapped by the fat boys but he is exhausted and he has a wound that’s causing him to limp although his body cam doesn’t show the wound itself.  As he gets around the fat boys, one of those loud slug things come from under the ground but Ezra shoots it right away.  By now there are three fat boys directly behind Ezra, sprinting to him as he takes his first amp tab.  He chews it up and swishes it around with his spit as he instantly feels energized, he swallows and feels the rush he needs to keep going.  He sprints up 20 meters from the fat boys and pulls out the high-powered rifle but doesn’t take the shot.  He takes aim again, fires, and misses.  One of the fat boys are upon him swings its huge hand, Ezra ducks filled with adrenaline from nearly losing his head he quickly reloads his rifle and runs around the fat boys.  At that moment a zombie jumped from behind a fat boy and tackled Ezra to the ground biting a huge chunk of flesh from his neck.  A fat boy was close behind and nearly trampled him like the other had done to Miles.  Two more fat boy charged in and one slammed down on the flowers that were growing on one of the other fat boy’s back.  Ezra being so close to the collision was completely engulfed in the mutant pollen in which caused him to have to administer the shot immediately.  Right when he injected it into his stomach, Ezra began urinating and defecating as he was running, he then began to vomit violently and this all happened for seven seconds until he was pure again.  Pure with no mutations.  

Ezra is able to regain his composure and fire off another shot, direct hit one of those fat boys fell down but didn’t die.  Another shot hits but doesn’t kill the fallen fat boy.  Two fat boys nearly crush Ezra as he rolls out of their path.  He swings around but doesn’t take the shot.  Too many zombies reaching and chasing too close behind and armor piercing rounds are too valuable to fire hastily.  He pulls out his shotgun and blasts the legs off of one of the zombies and it falls to the ground but another zombie nearly grabs him as he turns towards it and blows off its head.  Three shots and he’s blown the legs off of four more zombies but the fat boys are getting closer every time he swings around for the shot.  Ezra runs so that the fat boys line up and pulls out his rifle.  One shot through the skulls of two fat boys but only one dropped.  With no time to finish off the fallen fat boy, two more fat boys rush Ezra, another near miss as he manages to dodge death again.  

As he tries to out maneuver the fat boys, he gets a deep scratch from a random zombie and blood squirts dramatically.  Running and applying pressure to his cut he misfires his rifle wasting ammo but pulls out his shotgun and takes the legs off of a mutant.  Pulling out his rifle he fires two shots at one fat boy and it stops moving.  With the other fat boys close behind he looks for more ammo in the military vehicle.  He only had 36 shells and 25 armor piercing rounds but he managed to grab an extra box of shotgun shells before the fat boys descended on is position, he fires at one fat boy and immediately jumps on his back holding the fat boy’s head he sliced the throat repeatedly until it was decapitated.  Ezra fell from the creature's stature and onto the ground.  He fires once again hitting another fat boy he attempts to finish this one off the same way but the mutant pollen from the flowers on his back were agitated making it impossible to breath.  So, Ezra ran as fast as he could swung around and shot the closest fat boy.  He was then able to finish that one off as well with no time to spare as one of those loud slug things roared, two fat boys charged Ezra’s position.  Narrowly escaping he fires two more shots dropping both fat boys but there were too many zombies around for Ezra to safely finish off the fat boys so now he has to risk them getting back up.  Badly wounded from the horde of zombies attracted to the noise Ezra tries his hardest to limp away.  

Ezra fires a shot with his shotgun and misses but the second shot blasts off one of the zombie’s legs another shot drops a third zombie.  Running to his van he grabs morphine and the suture kit, reloads his gun and tries to put distance between himself and the fat boys.  Two charge him and he just fires, both fat boys drop as he finishes off the first, then shooting the other dead.  

They set out in the morning but now it was night time and there are always more zombies out at night.  After clearing the area Ezra had some breathing room to restock on amphetamine capsules and the shots from the military vehicles.  With his ammo stock replenished and an AK-47 he found in the military vehicle, he rushes into killing more of those loud slug things along with a zombie infested with flowers.  The shotgun blast made the pollen from the zombie produce a cloud 5 feet around the zombie.  More zombies begin rushing Ezra and he beats the ones that he can with a stick to keep the noise down but he has no option but to shoot the infested mutants and the slug things.  He kills seven of these things but four loud slugs let out their roar almost toppling him over they were so close.  He shoots three of them with an AK he found..  Through the dusty cloud Ezra sees a sucker...two suckers...four suckers...one tackles him ripping a gash in his forearm Ezra yells out in pain.  

Ezra quickly returns to his feet and full out sprints taking another amp tab and it picks him up once more sending his heart racing as fast as he wished his legs would carry him.  One after another each sucker took turns trying to tackle him and at this point there were five of the bastards hot on his heels.  Swinging around with his shotgun he pulls the trigger, one of the suckers take a heavy head injury and falls down.  Three others leap rapidly in succession in desperate attempt to bring Ezra to the ground but he is able to evade them with little to no time to spare each escape.  It took 15 or 20 of their attempts to fail in order to get a hold on Ezra, he finally has the courage to turn and shoot nailing one and dropping it but not killing it.  Two of the suckers simultaneously launched an attack and the only way Ezra managed to evade them was to fall onto the ground and roll backwards.  He tried his hardest to steady his weapon after getting to his feet and just fired!  He missed. Damnit!  Ezra continues to run as fast as he can but the amp tab’s effect was beginning to produce a less potent response due to his growing fatigue combined with flesh ripping and bone breaking injuries he’s already sustained.  

It takes those sucking wolf things nine attempts to finally land a hit on Ezra.  Ezra had moved with such agility the entire time I’ve known him and throughout his body cam footage.  This wound slowed him down he needed to take “the shot” again but it was unbearable and even if he wanted to take it there were now eight of those sucker things less than a foot behind him.  And this cut was an inch deep his back was already soaking wet with blood pouring from his wound.  His legs give out as one of the sucker things smashes its arm bone into Ezra’s calf muscle, practically filleting it from the bone.  As Ezra falls to the ground pores on the mutants’ backs begin to spray that dust.  Just then one of the mutants jams its arm bone through Ezra’s bladder clear through and out his tail bone.  As his bowels evacuate Ezra’s body shakes violently for three seconds and then stiffened like a board.

Ezra’s body cam shows the werewolf sucker things fighting over his corpse until the lens was destroyed from another arm bone going through his left collar bone and out his lower right ribcage.  After that, it’s just black.  

[dailyjoke4u]

Bathroom rhymes and graffiti (Part 3)

Bathroom rhymes and graffiti (Part 3)

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 60 =————————————–

In the engineering building, in small print low on the wall in the front of the stall so you had to lean forward to read it:

You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle.

Sure enough, he was right.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 61 =————————————–

“Here I sat to take a dump. Out it squirmed, a greasy lump. Greenish-black, like melting tar Or oil from an old used car. It floats a moment, then it sinks. My chunky cable – how it stinks! My ass cheeks tremble, my sphincter sighs, And cramps of exhaustion clench my thighs. I weep with pride at my slimy shit, And ROB is the name I give to it!”

– Lord Byron

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 62 =————————————–

In one persons handwriting – I love Amy M. In someone elses right below it – Who hasn’t?

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 63 =————————————–

I stink, therefore I am.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 64 =————————————–

Written on a bathroom wall: “Question Authority” and written beneath it: “Why?”

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 65 =————————————–

A sign I saw at a swimming pool once:

We don’t swim in your toilet, so please don’t pee in our pool!

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 66 =————————————–

Another sign seen at a swimming pool:

Welcome to our ool. Notice there’s no P in it. Please keep it that way.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 67 =————————————–

If you find there is no paper, Use your finger as a scraper.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 68 =————————————–

Scrawled inside a toilet stall of a college chemistry building:

For a really high time, call CH3-COOH.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 69 =————————————–

here I sit arms enfolding my melting body. I’m wondering of you as I slowly become one with the chair that holds me.

Here I Sit ———- (as I slowly become one / with the chair that holds me)

:1:

Here I sit down, broken-hearted Trying to push a yet unstarted Poem into bright creation – Oh, the pains of constipation!

Hours have passed, I’ve merely parted Rump cheeks and effetely farted Those weak blasts of wind excluded Nothing concrete has extruded!

Other assholes far more shitten In their time have poems written Am I such a fucked up nerd That can’t shit a single turd?

:2:

As I sit disgorging vapour My pen rests on toilet paper Spreading ink out from its tip – Till the fragile sheets will rip,

And create a sphinctral fissure Which the pen, with lightest pressure, Will advance through, triumphally … deepening my melancholy.

Save me lord from poet’s clog! Spare me this cramped stinky bog! This unending waiting on A clammy bum-unfriendly john!

:3:

No! I will not sit and mope! Yes! I’ll sit, with rumbling hope To my tum a glow imparting, Wishing shitting, faintly farting,

Till my muse gets off her butt And proceeds to squeeze my gut – Then will plop a finely worded Poem, goldenly bemerded,

In a blaze of spice (and fury of the evening’s hot tandoori chicken …) and in one grand motion I’ll have spewed my gut-emotion!

:Epilogue:

So I *will* sit, spouting gas Even if, in hours that pass, Crap coats brain and blood runs shitten – I won’t rise till something’s written!

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 70 =————————————–

In the Crown & Anchor Pub Ladies Room (Austin, Texas)

If you can’t trust me with a Choice, How can you trust me with a Child?

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 71 =————————————–

Seen in a college chemistry building’s men’s room:

Flush twice – this has to go all the way to the cafeteria!

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 72 =————————————–

Sticker attached to electric hand-dryer in public restroom:

Push button for a message from Congress.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 73 =————————————–

Seen in a bathroom at a truck stop near Las Vegas, Nevada:

There used to be a Mexican joke here…but it slid off.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 74 =————————————–

Various graffiti written into the grout:

Alexander the Grout All creatures grout and small Down and Grout Grout Expectations Grout Expectations Grout Googly Moogly Grout balls of fire Grout dane Grout expectations Grout fishing in America Grout of sight, Grout of mind Grout scott Groutful Dead Saur Grout Sometimes a Grout Notion The Grout Divide The Grout Gatsby The Grout Groutdoors Take me grout to the ball game Three Strikes You’re Grout Twist and grout

from https://www.dailyjoke4u.com/bathroom-rhymes-and-graffiti-part-3/